Apres le deluge

The storms ended overnight; by daybreak, it was as if they never happened. I woke up to cerulean blue skies, a golden sun, and brisk autumn air. We took the dogs for a long walk in the woods and I think everyone felt better afterwards. My afternoon was spent studying, eating, and watching "Fatal Attraction" for the first time.

Because of Daylight Savings Time, however, it became dark all of a sudden: 4:30 in the afternoon. I was driving along I-95 when it happened and I was both surprised and struck by a sense of sadness. I've grown to love the outdoors, and crave sunshine and blue skies, more so because my budding career has taken all that away from me. I wake up at 4:45 in the morning and leave for work when it's dark as night. I work in a sterile operating room all day long without any windows. When I leave the hospital in the evening it's dark as night again. My only glimpse of sunshine during the day is when I buy lunch in the cafeteria, but even that is deceptive since the windows are tinted and the outside world appears a perpetual shade of gray.


I had to talk myself out of the void by thinking about all the happiness that winter could bring: Thanksgiving, with all its food and love; picking out a Christmas tree at a rural farm next month; snow!!; Christmas, with all its gift-giving and re-uniting with family; Christopher's birthday; my birthday; warm sweaters and fuzzy socks; running inside from the cold and into a warm, heated house.

I had stopped shopping for a long time after I had started my anesthesia residency. It was a strange territory, never experienced before: to be so unattached from material desires and wants. A simple life. This is in large part due to anesthesia-- I work all days in pajamas! (Scrubs). I no longer have to buy new clothes every season. I no longer have to buy endless pairs of shoes. And who cares about handbags? I bring a large cotton tote to work, which I have to throw on the floor of the resident lounge anyways, stuffed with clothes, books, and overnight necessities (for when I'm on call).

But since I stepped into the stores again last night for the first time in so long... Now I can't stop! Tonight I again went shopping. Surprised to see all the Christmas trees and lights and decorations already up in the malls. Thinking that my presence there was justified because maybe I could do my Christmas shopping early this year and avoid the last-minute stress and pressure.