Despite the long work hours, fatigue, and the worn, increasingly unattractive face that is my reflection in the mirror...

I'm starting to really like this practice of anesthesia. I no longer daydream about returning to internal medicine. That is progress. Even an intubation still excites me. I have now done approximately 102 successful intubations (remember when I couldn't even get my first one?). Sometimes I still get critiqued on my technique though. I think I still need so much more practice and experience. I admit that I feel selfish about intubations. I want to do them all the time. However, I often get medical students or other residents doing an anesthesia elective and they ask to join me on my cases, and they want to do my intubations. Even a paramedic student today asked if he could take my intubation. I don't know how to assert myself so I give it all up to them. I remember how I felt as a medical student when I wasn't given much of an opportunity to try intubating so I try to be generous to everyone now. But on Monday night when I was on call and had to intubate someone emergently in the ICU, I couldn't get it despite trying twice. My senior resident had to try. She got it easily. I think this means I still need the practice. Besides giving up my intubations to the med students, it's also tough to pay attention to what's going on in the case and try to teach a student at the same time, particularly this early on when I'm still learning the ropes too. Truthfully, my heart sinks everytime a student comes up to me and asks if they can join me on my case. I feel ashamed for having this feeling because a good resident should want to teach.