Addiction

It's like I'm addicted to the stress. I don't know what I want: I complain when my job is overwhelming and tiring. But I'm bored and want to shoot myself when nothing's happening. Yesterday I was in the ambulatory surgery center giving anesthesia for eye cases (cataract removals). The patients have to stay awake and alert during these surgeries so we basically give no anesthesia, just some one-time, short-lived sedation, and monitoring their vital signs the rest of the time. I was sitting there, bored and ready to take one of the surgeon's tools and gouge my own eyes out. I actually began to miss and wish for one of my busier and more stressful days: The days when I'm running on pure adrenaline, my heart racing in the 120's.

I shouldn't be saying all that. I'm on call tonight. Sitting at the hospital; it's 9 pm right now and so far nothing's going on. I want to keep it that way! I'm tired and want to sleep. But 10 hours on the job remain, and anything can happen...

On the subject of addictions, my colleague who was forced to take the drug test has not been on the OR schedule all week. That means he has been asked not to come into work. We're worried and we want to know what's going on... we're all in the trenches together. However, none of us know. We suspect that the drug test results are still pending (I suppose it has to be a very specific test for Fentanyl, not just a general screen for opiates), and he is suspended until proven innocent. Scary times for all, because this could very well have happened to any of us. Seriously. You never know what will throw you off the deep edge...